How do you respond to the word surrender? For a lot of people, the word surrender may conjure images of admitting defeat or even failure. The human race has not always done well with surrender. One of the oldest stories of war, The Iliad, is in many ways the story of the human inability to surrender and the collateral damage to which such pride can sometimes lead. We are far removed from ancient Greece in some ways, but our human weakness for hubris is not. However, authors like Judith Orloff help to show how there can be great power in surrender despite what our pride may tell us. To say there is power in surrender can sound like an oxymoron, but here are three ways the need for control is making life harder and how surrendering may give you the power you need to conquer your day:
1. The Need for Control is Harming Your Confidence
Tiny Buddha says that the need for control is ultimately rooted in fear. Control embodies this fear when “We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t.” Re-learning to give up control when faced with the fear of the unknown (instead of scrambling to hold on even tighter) is often only accomplished after a lot of therapy and patience in a safe environment. A professional coach can help point you in the right direction if you are looking to heal from your need to control. For now, what’s important to understand is that your need for control can strip you of your confidence to meet any situation head-on. For example, if your brain has been trained to believe the only way you’ll enjoy a vacation is if you plan out the whole trip down to the minute, then you struggle to ever feel the joy of a spontaneous getaway. Good Therapy says, “The need for control drives people to turn to the external world in order to find things they can control. They may be compelled to micromanage and orchestrate the actions and behaviors of others, or maintain rigid rules regarding routine, diet, or cleanliness and order.” That external control helps to soothe the need for safety for a short time, but ultimately it becomes a crutch. Instead, surrender offers a more sustainable relationship between the self and external things that are outside of one’s control. Nancy Colier writes, “surrender is not a strategy; it is the profound absence of strategies. It’s waking up to realize that all the strategies have failed and we’re plum out of new ones.” The Maryland State Bar Association (MSBA) published an article in 2020 that asserts, “Focusing on the past and everything that has happened can cause depression, and focusing and worrying about the future can cause anxiety. The only thing you really have is right now. So that you don’t miss out on what is going on now, pay attention to it.”
2. The Inability to Surrender is Taking Too Much of Your Energy
It is time-consuming to be so concerned with being in control all the time. As mentioned before, those who struggle to surrender often don’t stop at trying to control themselves. Eventually their need to control branches out to others. That is a heavy burden to bear on one’s own. Greater Good Magazine acknowledges that the human desire to control is a fairly natural response that essentially is part of what it means to be human! Think about it, even children as young as two years old struggle to be under the control of their parents. We want our independence as soon as we’re old enough to perceive it. Yet, just like that two-year-old may throw a tantrum when attempting to assert control in a situation where they might benefit from surrendering control, we as adults can also waste too much energy trying to force control in a situation where we’d be better off surrendering. Dr. Amy Johnson says, “the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over details, I know I’m in my own way.” Our natural fight-or-flight response also takes up a lot of energy when we’re trying to be in control. An article from 2019 suggests taking the time to recognize the triggers you may have which set off your need to seek control. Then, “Once you realize what they are, you can start to experiment with methods that prevent you from going down into a worry spiral. One simple method is to take a breath and remind yourself that the need to control doesn’t arise from a true “fight or flight” situation.”
3. The Need for Control is Taking Your Power
As we’ve already explored, the need for control can sometimes come from the fear of not being in control or even a past trauma from a time you lacked control in a situation. A therapist can help you through these experiences. Good Therapy has some great resources to get you started on uncovering why you may have a need to control. Once you realize why you have this need, you may also start to see that what you thought was helping you to feel more powerful and safe is actually stealing your power. By forcing you to focus on every possibility, the mind struggles to focus on what it truly needs. As Psychology Today puts it, “Surrendering the results of our actions puts our attention on how we are in this moment, what’s actually here, what life is now. We accept that this very moment is the only thing we have any real say about; we might as well pay attention to it. We surrender control of the results of our actions and suddenly, this moment is it, the one that matters. At this stage, life comes alive and we discover surprise and mystery. We’re not in charge and what matters is now, not some imagined future we may or may not achieve.” In an experiment where some people were given a dollar and told there was a reason for the dollar they were given, and others were also given a dollar but not told the reason, researchers found the group that didn’t know the reason for their dollar ended up being happier. Our minds convince us that certainty and control can make us happy, but this isn’t always the case. That doesn’t mean we should aim for a life entirely free of control and spontaneity. Instead, developing a relationship between control and uncertainty is the kind of balance more frequently advocated for. Fast Company recognizes a healthy medium between always being in control and never being in control: “if you’re worried about a break-in, accept that someone attempting to burglarize your home isn’t something you can control. You can, however, take an action, such as installing a security system.”
The most well-known part of the Serenity Prayer is,
“God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.”
Surrender is not a weak word, just as control isn’t always a bad word. Like most things in life, we often simply require balance. There is a power in surrender that gives us happiness that cannot be found in a life obsessed with control.
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